Stocks on the rise

Stocks on the rise

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Proposed design of new device to punish litterers. — Austen Redman via Wikimedia Commons

Trash: we’re mad as hell and we’re not going to take it anymore.

In an act of unprecedented Island cooperation, the selectmen of all six towns agreed on something. Starting June 1, anyone caught littering, either in the act or by detectives in a newly formed Island Trash Task Force (ITTF), will be put in stocks on the public common of that town.

Tomatoes, especially ripe, local organic tomatoes, can be used for an extra fee.
Tomatoes, especially ripe, local organic tomatoes, can be used for an extra fee.

“We’re tired of people littering here. It’s out of control and we’re not going to put up with it anymore,” said Chilmark selectman Ichabod Mayhew. “Reviving the quaint New England tradition will have numerous benefits. People will finally get the message that you can’t litter here, and the towns can make extra cash,” he said. “People can mock the litterer for free, but for $5, they get a rotting, locally grown, organic vegetable to throw at them. It’s win-win.”

(April Fools.)


  1. Over 27 Massachusetts Immigration offices arrived on the first boat this morning in Vineyard Haven with the names of over 345 Illegal Aliens hiding out on the Vineyard. Information has been gathered for over 2-1/2 years from court records, news articles, hospital and welfare records, service employers, construction employers and under cover operatives. The island’s scanners have been totally jammed so information is spotty at the moment at best but at press time the entire State Forest has been surrounded!

    1. This would’ve been more effective if you took a second to proofread it before posting it.