With this week’s newspaper, The MV Times launches our personal classified ads. We look forward to connecting Islanders in love, friendship and whatever else will keep you toasty and entertained until summer.
Single and dating again
Trying to avoid all those I already went through; respond only if you moved to Vineyard after 2010.
Reply to Personals@mvtimes.com/box123
Single with year-round housing
Need I say more?
Reply to Personals@mvtimes.com/box124
Off the Grid
I’ve been off the grid since before it was cool, and am seeking a partner with more depth than a griddy-come-lately to share a life lighted by candles and warmed by wood. Reply to Personals@mvtimes.com/box125
Shorts in Winter
Single female seeks one of you sexy strong guys who romps around in shorts all winter. Reply to Personals@mvtimes.com/box126
Meditate with me
Seeking silence in friendship and more. Reply to Personals@mvtimes.com/box127
Bargain Box Babe
Seeks a tiger in Thrift Shop threads for second hand situations of all sorts. Reply to Personals@mvtimes.com/box128
I recycled my husband and am now looking for a sustainable relationship. Please inquire only if you’re interested in organically growing together. Reply to Personals@mvtimes.com/box129
Seeking sexy summer lover with access to private beaches. Reply to Personals@mvtimes.com/box130
Looking for local love until the summer people arrive. Then, chances are, I can find better. Reply to Personals@mvtimes.com/box131
Looking for romance
Or companionship. Or someone to have dinner with once a week. Or to take a walk with. Actually, what I’m really looking for is someone with an off-Island car. Reply to Personals@mvtimes.com/box132
Washashore seeks washashore
I’m tired of feeling “lesser-than” simply because I wasn’t born here. I am looking for a fellow washashore to share our johnny-come-lately love of the Vineyard. Reply to Personals@mvtimes.com/box133
What’s your Steamship Authority profile number? I’m looking for that someone special with an SSA profile number that is compatible with mine. Let’s renew together. Reply to Personals@mvtimes.com/box134
So I hear there once was a man from Nantucket. Please send him to the Vineyard. Reply to Personals@mvtimes.com/box135
I (Heart) Compost
I’m searching for a man I met at Cedar Tree Neck in December. I can’t stop thinking about our conversation about composting. Please contact me if you’ve been feeling it too. Reply to Personals@mvtimes.com/box136
Bernie wants Hillary
I’d like to be the Bernie to your Hillary. Progressive man seeks strong woman with leadership skills. Reply to Personals@mvtimes.com/box137
Thrice divorced Female
Looking for future ex. Reply to Personals@mvtimes.com/box138
Must love cats
A LOT! Reply to Personals@mvtimes.com/box139
SF looking for SM as ‘quirky’ as me
Let’s have our shrinks confer first. Reply to Personals@mvtimes.com/box140
SF seeking SM. Must provide recent photo
Mug shots OK. Reply to Personals@mvtimes.com/box141
Do you like pina coladas?
Too bad — I’m in AA. Reply to Personals@mvtimes.com/box142.
If you don’t require much nookie
Or morning convo, I’m your gal. Reply to Personals@mvtimes.com/box143
Looking for someone to grow old with
Fax me your insurance policies, dental records and advance directives. Reply to Personals@mvtimes.com/box144
Discriminating retired teacher
Looking for female intellectual companionship.
If you can read this ad, you’re in. Reply to Personals@mvtimes.com/box146
Looking to share candlelight dinners at fine Vineyard restaurants with attractive woman who is willing to pick up the tab. Reply to Personals@mvtimes.com/box147
Seeks open-minded female for tick-checking and back hair grooming.
No crazies! Reply to Personals@mvtimes.com/box148
These ads are all a gag. We’re afraid if you’re looking for love or friendship you’ll have to look elsewhere. However, the entire staff at The MV Times wishes you luck in your endeavors and a happy April Fool’s day.
Classified ads by Kate Feiffer, Geoff Currier, Holly Nadler, and Gwyn McAllister. With appreciation and apologies to David Rose.