To the editor:
I just read an article which stated that our not so great leader tweeted about the current cold snap in the northeastern part of North America. He basically said this cold snap proves that “global warming,” a.k.a. “climate change,” is a hoax. And I know there are quite a few Vineyarders who agree with him.
So I would like to give some of those so-called “climate deniers” a chance to get some money out of a so-called “climate alarmist” — namely me.
Here is my proposition: Anyone who wants to take advantage of my naive liberal belief that humans actually have something to do with a warming planet or, for that matter, that the planet is actually getting warmer at all, can do so anytime before Feb. 1, 2018.
Here’s how you can cash in on the “climate hoax” in three easy steps:
1) Contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
2) Tell me how much money you want to wager that the average global temperature, as declared by a majority of the world’s leading meteorological agencies, will NOT be recorded as one of the 10 warmest years on the modern record. (NOAA, NASA, EMI, WMO, etc., are reputable — InfoWars, Donald Trump tweets, and Bazooka Joe bubble gum wrappers, etc., are not.)
3) Get two times your money back if 2018 is not in the top 10 warmest years globally.
Certain restrictions apply, such as the detonation of nuclear weapons, or significant unusual volcanic activity, which could cool the planet. Or conversely, if there is an event such as the invasion of Earth by aliens, or a close encounter with Nibiru, which would warm it.
If you don’t know how any of these events would affect the weather, don’t wait — sign up right away.
If any climate deniers are actually smart enough to take me up on this, we can write up a more detailed contract. All funds will be put into an escrow account before Feb. 15, 2018, and will be dispersed no later than April 1, 2019 — remember, I will put in twice whatever you do — but hurry — the offer is limited to an amount of my choosing.
Not only that, in the unlikely event that you lose this challenge, I will donate 50 percent of my winnings to a charity of your choice. If you win, you can do whatever you want with my hard-earned money. Yes, I am a liberal, but believe it or not, I actually have worked for my money.
Climate deniers have an advantage here — the forecast for the Vineyard (and for the Eastern part of North America) is very cold, for at least the first week of January. Potentially record-breaking cold, at that. Not only that, all 10 of the warmest years on record have occurred in this century. Surely the odds are with the deniers — if nothing is happening, then the law of averages puts my position at a great disadvantage, especially since I am offering 2-to-1 odds. How can you lose?
Bundle up — stay warm.