School High

Dear Martha,

 Our 19 year old son is home from college and staying with us for the summer while working at a full time summer job. Yesterday I found a bag of marijuana in his dresser while putting away his laundry.  This is the second time this summer.  I have never exactly been a saint myself, but those days were long ago, and it pains me that he is doing this.  My husband and I fluctuate from thinking it’s a phase to thinking maybe we should sit down and talk to him about it.   Any advice for us?

 Just Say No.

Dear JSN,

 I’m assuming your son is doing OK in every other way as you haven’t mentioned any of the major red flags such as bad grades, car wrecks, or listening to old Barry Manilow records. But you, an alert, loving and sober (at present) parent, are genuinely bothered by this.  Therefore, you should say something. 

 So say this; “Marijuana is an illegal substance that has never been approved by the FDA! You could spiral down into cocaine abuse or heroin! You can never become President of the United States if you’re busted!   Oops!  I take that back.  You’ll get really, really stoned because pot is about a thousand times stronger than when I was smoking it back in ‘78!   Hey!  Are you laughing at me because you’re stoned or because I sound as posturing and shrill as I feel?”

 Seriously, have you ever in your entire life met anyone who gave up pot (yes) for any of these reasons (no)? 

 You should say to him what my Mom, the Alpha Parent, said to, um, someone I know.  It worked.  Tell him, “You, my wonderful son, are free to marry a man or a woman, drown yourself in credit card debt, and win a government sponsored trip to sprinkle ordnance over the Middle East.  Congratulations.  But under my roof, ‘tis my rules and Thou Shalt Not Smoke Nor Possess Pot, period.  And FURTHERMORE (this is the part that should scare the daylights out of him if you truly mean it) if you want to hang out and get high, then drop out of school and go work in a hash bar in Amsterdam, but if you think we are going to pay good money for you to drift through your pricy college in an altered state, then you really are high.” 

 Martha

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

Copycat

Dear Martha,

 A girl I work with is trying to be just like me.  If I come to work wearing something new, she goes out and buys the same thing.  She even got her hair styled like mine.  How do I get this to stop?

 Creeped Out

Dear Creep,

 You could start wearing maternity clothes and mention that you can’t wait to start drinking again in a few months.  It will be fun to see how far she will go to be just like you. 

 A more straightforward approach would be to have “a talk” about what’s bugging you.  There is a risk, however, that this may just make a strange situation even stranger.  She will probably deny it, making you look paranoid, or become defensive, which could make working with her even more awkward than it is already.

 So the next time you get something new, just tell her, “You have a every right to spend your money however you want, but if you show up at work wearing this, I am going to start coming in here naked.   Believe me; no one wants to see either one of us in our birthday suits.”

 Martha

Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »

Dishevelled

Dear Martha,

One of my friends is coming to visit, and that’s great. She’s a live wire and I like her a lot. And she’s a great cook and she likes to show off her cooking. But she is incredibly sloppy in the kitchen. When the meal is ready to eat, the kitchen is a shambles and she never lifts a finger to clean up — I guess because she did her share in the cooking. But I am a neat cook and I cannot stand cleaning up after such a messy cook. How can I get her to stay out of my kitchen when she comes to visit?

Summer House Dish Slave

Dear SHDS,
You have three options for dealing with your friend. You can try to change her.  Tell her that her kitchen habits make you feel like you have lost control of your life in the place that is your refuge from the chaos of the world, and that you need her to keep a lid on her messiness.  In my experience, in spite of strenuous efforts, some spanning decades, I have never been able to change anyone, not one little iota. But I did do a pretty good job of alienating them.

You can try to change yourself by repeating this mantra, “Oh, I don’t mind spending my entire day tomorrow cleaning every pot and cooking utensil I own.  After all, I’m on vacation!  I’ve got the whole day to squander.”

Or you can change the situation.  Have your friend come for one or two nights at the most, and make sure you tell her on the ride to the house that tonight’s meal is already in the oven and you’ve got reservations for tomorrow.  And don’t forget to stop for paper plates on your way past the supermarket.

 Martha

Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »

Mommy, Is The Party Over?

Dear Martha,

 This past weekend we were invited to yet another over the top kid’s birthday party.  They had an entertainer, it was catered, there was a fancy cake from a fancy bakery, and then they brought in ponies for the kids to ride.  I happen to know these people have been close to foreclosure a few times, but they throw money around like it grows on trees.  My child’s 8^th birthday is in two months.  She asked to have her party in a limo.  I am not making this up.  We can’t afford this kind of a thing.  I haven’t even started saving for my daughter’s education, and probably never will.  On the other hand, I don’t want my child to feel like the poor kid of her peer group.  What should we do?

 Mom in a Muddle

Dear Mom,

 Arms Race, anyone?  That’s what these birthdays, Sweet 16’s, and Bar/Baht Mitzvahs seem to have become.  You are entitled to stop the madness.  Tell your kid the truth, you don’t have the money, and don’t assume that the folks who put on these affairs can actually afford them.  Given the amount of debt most Americans are carrying around, you can assume that most of them can’t.  

 It’s never too early to teach you daughter one of life’s most important lessons; living within her means.  Establish a budget, and then help her choose activities that fall within it.  It might mean a slumber party with homemade pizza and cupcakes they decorate themselves, or a half hour limo ride instead of 2 hours, where the girls dress up in rock star costumes, then dance to a strobe light in your living room. 

 Check for ideas on the internet and keep it real.  An expensive party can be a bomb just as easily as a cheap one.  If expectations are realistic and your child has a nice group of friends, nothing will stop them from having fun.

 The key is to start planning early to avoid trying to spend your way out of a panic.  Birthdays have become major events for our kids, and the expectations have gone through the roof.  But expectations are never an excuse for living beyond our means. 

 Martha

Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »

Parental Responsibilities

Dear Martha

My friend is about to quit a job she loves and is good at, leave people and a town she likes a lot and move back to the Deep South to be with her demented mother. This step is necessary, she says, because her two siblings who live nearby cannot be bothered with their mother.

 How can I talk her out of this?
 

Distressed

Dear Distressed,

 Thank you so much for this letter.  I immediately showed it to my children so they can see what kind of a society we have become.  People actually expect us to abandon our lonely, disabled, demented parents for a job.  A job?  You mean the place where after 20 years of toil, you can be fired over the most trivial, superficial thing?  For example, you get pink slipped because your employers don’t like the way you installed a chicken bone through the septum of your nose.  They say it freaks out the customers.  And once they have cast you aside like just so much human refuse, they never bother to send you another Christmas card or think of you.  Ever.

 I finished the lecture to my children by telling them that the child who spends the most time with me at the end inherits everything, period.  And if neither one rushes to my side in my time of need the way I did for them, oh, say, 1,134,973 times between the ages of birth and now, I am giving my entire estate to the cat shelter.

 Next question?

 Martha

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

You’re Fired!

Dear Martha,

I have a small business of which I am usually the sole employee.  Occasionally I will hire someone to assist me.  I recently hired a young guy who turned out to be a disappointment.  There were just lots of things he didn’t “get”, and I got very frustrated with him.  When I informed him that we should part ways, he became very cagey, demanding his last paycheck in cash and other oddities.  I was never anything but honest with him and paid him on time for all his hours. 

I plan on paying him in full, but I’d like to give him a good chewing out for acting like such a cagey jerk at the end.  I know you’re going to tell me not to do it, but I just had to put it out there.

Signed,

Rebel Yell.

Dear Billy Idol,

Let me talk you down from the ledge.  Remember when you were young?  And you often didn’t “get” it?  And various bosses who you disappointed chewed you out even though you were doing your best?  Did they “fix” you? 

Your instinct to chew him out is normal, but so is the instinct to torture small animals, and we must fight it for the sake of our own dignity.  Lord knows what other miserable experiences this fellow has had in his life.  One or more have probably involved getting stiffed which is why he got cagey.  Why don’t you show him that in spite of everything we see around us, that it is possible to be gracious in the face of mutual disappointment? And that acrimony, while we may indulge, even build entire fantasy lives around it in private, is best not expressed in most circumstances.

When the final day comes, praise him for what he did well (fetch coffee?) pay him, and shake his hand.  Unless he stole from you, seriously consider giving him a small bonus as thanks for just showing up.  Offer genuine condolences that it didn’t work out as you had both imagined, wish him good luck, and offer to give help or advice in the future.  He will probably never ask for the help or advice, but when you meet again, and you will, the tone will be set and your interactions can be conducted with grace and civility.  And it will all be thanks to you.

Or chew him out.

Martha

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

Barking for Help

Dear Martha,

Our neighbor has a dog “Barney” that barks incessantly.  I mean daytime, nighttime, Christmas Day, 365 days a year.  I have talked to the neighbors, about it but they are creepy people who more or less ignore me.   I know why that poor animal barks all day; no one pays any attention to it.  When their children do pay attention to him, he gets so excited that the kids get overwhelmed, so they ignore him again.  It is a sad, vicious cycle.  I work at home all day and I feel like I can’t think with all that noise.  What should I do?

Sleepless in Vineyard Haven

Dear SIVH,

My friend Mike had a shivering, humping, explosively active Springer Spaniel, Freckles.  Freckles ended up like poor, chained up Barney because he was a ridiculously inappropriate breed choice for inexperienced dog owners.  Mike’s fed up neighbor poisoned poor Freckles out of desperation.  Who could enjoy such an animal?  Who could blame the neighbor?  Potential dog owners, are you listening?  Pick a mellow breed, neuter it, and then expect to spend hours every day on care and attention.  But I digress.

Try calling the ASPCA.   Find out what you have to do to get some action on this pup’s behalf.  This is what this organization was set up for. 

Contact an attorney.  See if a few hundred bucks spent on letter written by a card-carrying member of the Bar Association can buy you some peace.

Or if you really love animals and are experienced, conduct your own rescue operation.  Offer to baby sit the dog.  Teach it some manners and it will probably be happy to just lie on the floor and stare at you silently all day.   I once “babysat” (OK, stole) a nearly hairless, parasite infested, rotten mouthed, little hag of a dog.  She turned out to be the most charming of companions.  Hey, you never know.

Martha

Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »

King Solomon’s House

Dear Martha,

I am an unmarried, 4^th generation island visitor, and I now live full time in my ancestral island home.  My family has come down a bit in the world (I am a landscaper) and this house is my only major asset.  I would guess it’s worth $650,000. I have 4 kids from 2 different marriages, ranging in age from 12 to 32.  Their various professions are student, union carpenter, guest of the Nevada Penal System, and successful business owner, so you can see they are a diverse group.  I am determined to keep this home in my family.  What should I do?

Flummoxed

Dear Flummoxed,

Did you ever notice how sentences like “Billy Bob shot his brother Billy Joe then killed his other brother Billy Ray with a pitchfork” are usually preceded by sentences like “Granny Smith left the family homestead to her three boys?” 

You could leave the house to only one of your kids, in fact; I know of a property where that happened.  Ricky Rich’s parents selected him to inherit their beautiful ancestral summer home with his wife, Millie.  They had two kids.  Millie died.  Ricky Rich then married Silly.  Ricky Rich died.  Silly sold the house to an advice columnist for the MV Times, and Ricky Rich’s kids received neither the use of the house nor the money. 

There is only one solution.  Order that the house be sold upon your death with a first right of refusal for family members.  An heir who is willing and able to assume the expense may buy it from the other heirs.  Two, three, or all four heirs may decide to buy it together.  But this situation will force them to consider the sacrifices such an enterprise requires, and they will hopefully enter into an agreement whereby everyone remains, if not friends, then alive.

Martha

Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »