Visiting Veterinarian
By Michelle Gerhard Jasny V.M.D.
Published: September 10, 2009
It's time for Dr. Jasny's More-Or-Less Annual Labor Day All Creatures Great And Small Awards. In honor of the return of Presidential Vineyard vacations, we have a political theme, starting with Universal Health Care.
In third place, the No Pulling The Plug On Grandma Award for geriatrics goes to all my beloved ancient cats including Aesop, Chappy, Clio, Peanut, Boo-Boo, Dogfish, Thorin, Baby Buck, Makita, Floyd, Charlotte, Phoebe, Dinah, Tweeds, and more. Second place goes to Indy, the visually-impaired senior cat readjusting to a new home with kids and big dog. The geriatric first place award goes to Molly the springer and Ginger the chow. May you all be with us for many days to come.
The Does That Include Dental Ribbon goes to bunny Jake, who had his teeth extracted due to severe malocclusion and infection. We are praying for his full recovery.
Those Darn Pre-Existing Conditions ribbons go to Mabel and Busta, two dogs we needed to re-suture multiple times. Heffer gets the JFK Ribbon for Addison's disease.
Third place for Don't You Wish Your Pet Had Health Insurance ribbons goes to all the dogs who tore cruciate ligaments, Arthur with protein-losing enteropathy, and Luna who dislocated her knee. Second place to Twig the diabetic Jack Russell, kitty QT, with cryptococcosus, a fungal infection requiring months of treatment, and Buttons who we thought might have fatal Pug Encephalitis, but luckily it was less serious. First place to Theo, the 14-year-old cat who had a cancerous kidney removed.
I Think You're Full Of It Town Hall Meeting second place ribbons go to Tofu, the constipated Maine Coon; first place to dog Blue, with the baseball-sized poop-filled rectal diverticulum.
Cable News Pissing Contest Ribbons go third to all old incontinent dogs. Second to Zoe, whose owners get up at 2 am to let her out. First to all those cats who keep peeing in inappropriate places. You know who you are.
For animals who did not hesitate to express (mostly hostile) feelings about their veterinarian (that would be me), we have Rahm Emmanuel Ribbons. Third place to Phoebe, Misty, Cecil, Tessy, Casey, Fuzzy Wuzzy, Benji, Sydney, Senge, Jack, Luna, Baxter, and Mandy; second place to Mo, whose mother hugged him gallantly while we made a house call, snuck in, and vaccinated him. (I hope the dog pee washed out.) First place to Sabre. This cat inadvertently got a double dose of tranquilizers. Poison Control assured us he would be fine, but we still couldn't get near him.
The Sarah Palin Sorry I Quit Before My Term Was Up Award goes to Spooky, the Yorkie with bladder stones. I couldn't get her to stay anesthesized for surgery and had to cancel the procedure. We later tracked the problem to a faulty valve in our machine. Thanks to Dr. Atwood for removing Spooky's stone the next day while we repaired our equipment.
n our Economic Outlook Category, Stimulus Ribbons go to hypothyroid dogs Bailey, Zak, Millie, Bear, JD, Sherwood, Visa, Jack, Maisie, and others.
The Single Payer System ribbon goes to Laurie, who dropped off an unsolicited check in thanks for my giving late night phone advice about a sick animal. How thoughtful.
Ben Bernanke Tighten Your Belt Weight Loss Awards go honorable mention to Dagmar and Jen, third place to Sebastian (are you weighing him, Elise?), second to Otis, Joe, Marley, and Inky. First place to Gizmo the Abyssinian, and Max the Really Big Golden who has lost a whopping 20 pounds so far. Good Dog!
In our First Family Category, Michelle Obama Good Grooming ribbons go to Noodle and Mr. Magoo. Sasha and Malia Adorable New Kids in the House blue ribbons go to all puppies and kittens including Oreo, Strummer, Tiggy, Lovebug, Cricket, Brady, Miss Sophie, Morgan, Bella, Pumpkin, Yoda, Zelda, Captain Jack, Tiger Lily, Scooter, Nellie, Powder, Leroy, and Simba, to mention a few.
Cash For Clunkers ribbons to people who lovingly adopted older pets. Second place to goldens Ashley and Slick. First place to Benji, the chihuahua.
To everyone I forgot or didn't have room to mention by name here, I give a Joe Biden My Bad Consolation Prize. The Presidential Vacation Prize for the summer visitor who managed to most disrupt my normal routine goes to Brio. This old poodle had been unable to walk unassisted for many months due to a neuromuscular condition. When his owner brought him here on vacation one weekend, she got worried and convinced me to make a very early morning emergency house call. Very early. I suspect Brio may now have departed the fields of Chilmark for those of heaven, but hope he enjoyed his Vineyard visit.
Which brings us to End Of Life posthumous awards for pets whose owners had to make hard choices. Euthanasia is always heartrending but sometimes the decision is particularly challenging. Gold stars and hugs to many. Sweeney, the newly adopted cat with a rapidly growing kidney mass. Psipsina, a favorite around her neighborhood, who developed a tumor in her chest. Kiki, the Tibetan terrier, and Mai Mai, the Italian spinoni. Zelda, the German shepherd with degenerative myelopathy who learned to use a doggie wheelchair but eventually lost her strength. Bryar, the Labrador with myesthenia gravis who did not respond to treatment despite his family's extraordinary care.
And finally, Teddy Kennedy Memorial Awards to all the precious friends we lost this year. To your families, each one of you was the Lion of the House. Hector, Madidam, Titi, Casey, Oscar, Daisy, Dixie, Cosmos, Wee Angus, Scooter, Akbar, Gotcha, Judy, Spooky, Hollee, Shell Boy, Coco, Phoebe, Nigel, Pink, Molly, Marble, Rainbow, Grover, Tinkerbelle, Jasmine, Farkash, Morelle, Bear, Cookie, KC, Morris, Titus, Chance, Penelope, Taz, Elsie, Dylan, Dewpoint, Sam, Kouza, Gigi, Leo, Eli, Blackie, Scootchie, Boomer, Lindy, Jazz, Bilbo, Bee, Maxwell, Jack, Goober, Cody, Simon, Chocolate Goose, Tweekers, Harris, Belle, Minnie, and many more. The hope still lives and the dream shall never die.
