In dictionary.com, ice cream is defined as “a frozen food containing cream or milk and butterfat, sugar, flavoring, and sometimes eggs.” Yawn. Though this is factually correct, it simply doesn’t capture the sheer glory of ice cream. I looked up “who creates definitions for dictionaries,” so I could write them a letter suggesting they step it up a notch, and learned that lexicographers take on this task.
Now, before any lexicographers send me an angry email, I acknowledge that being factual is very important in certain instances, like when you’re writing a paper on, say, the lack of genetic variability among cheetahs, but in regard to ice cream, would it have been so bad to add a little flair — a little gratitude? Personally, I think the definition of ice cream should be “God.”
Ice cream is legendary — one of the best things in the world — yet there simply isn’t enough hoopla made over it. Yes, July is National Ice Cream Month, which is a good start, but we could do better. For instance, we could name shopping centers and colleges after different flavors of ice cream: Cherry Garcia Square, Nutty Butty Court, Death by Chocolate Dormitory, or Heavenly Hash Hall. Strategically placing bronze sculptures of hot fudge sundaes and ice cream sandwiches around the country would be really cool. And since Mount Rushmore could use a facelift anyway, what if an ice cream cone with sprinkles were chiseled in between Teddy Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln? Seriously, I can’t believe ice cream hasn’t been named the eighth wonder of the world.
By the way, I’m not alone in my stalker-level love for ice cream. The average American eats 45.8 pints of ice cream a year. According to NASA, ice cream is one of the top three foods astronauts miss most while floating around in space. And in Alabama, it is illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your back pocket. Now, there’s a state taking ice cream’s welfare into account.
I thought lexicographers might take me more seriously if I provided some facts about ice cream in my letter, so I spent a little time digging, and found some pretty interesting information. Waffle cones were invented by accident at the 1904 World’s Fair when an ice cream vendor ran out of bowls and a waffle vendor saved his butt by folding his waffles in half to hold the ice cream.
In the 16th century, ice cream was so rare that it was served only to royalty. No wonder the peasants were pissed off. They probably had to eat rainbow sherbet.
During World War II, the U.S. Navy converted a concrete barge into a vessel that made ice cream for sailors, producing 10 gallons every seven minutes. The tallest ice cream cone ever created was in Italy. It stood nine feet tall. And the average number of licks it takes to finish one scoop of ice cream is 50, unless you’re stoned, then it’s like five.
If, after reading this, you find yourself craving ice cream, the first thing to do is write a letter to some lexicographers, and demand that they come up with a more provocative and respectful definition for ice cream. After finishing that task, go indulge in a banana split, a triple scoop on a waffle cone, or a Turtle Pecan Cluster Blizzard. Here are a few ice cream places on the Island to get your fix: Mad Martha’s in Vineyard Haven and Edgartown; Ice Cream and Candy Bazaar in Edgartown; Vineyard Scoops in Edgartown; Ben and Bill’s in Oak Bluffs; Scoop Snack in Edgartown; Dairy Queen in Edgartown; Carousel Ice Cream Factory in Oak Bluffs; Nauti Ice Cream in Oak Bluffs; Big Dipper Ice Cream in Oak Bluffs; the Ice Box in Vineyard Haven; Bobby B’s Restaurant & Bakery in Vineyard Haven; and Menemsha Gallery in Aquinnah.