Yesterday I was attempting to open a new bag of espresso beans. It was a massacre. This wasn’t my first rodeo, though. I’ve been battling bullheaded packages for years. Last summer I saw an image of delectable-looking veggie kabobs on social media, and got the lofty idea that I’d like to grill, so I bought metal kabob skewers. Though I love a well-executed exaggeration, I am not blowing smoke when I say that I nearly cut my finger off trying to free them from their plastic prison.
Scissors were no match, so I switched to a box cutter. Sweating, I looked over at my cat and asked, “Why are kabob skewers wrapped in the same material used to protect the Hope Diamond? They aren’t encrusted with diamonds. They didn’t come with a Rolex. They weren’t handcrafted by a metalsmith from the 1700s. They cost $10!” (The cat sneezed and looked out the window.)
And back to my original issue: Why is a bag of espresso beans glued shut with construction-grade epoxy? I suspect that the manufacturer and package designer have no idea how foolish it is to deny sleep-deprived women easy access to espresso beans. We are not a population to mess with. We will go after that package (and possibly any human in the way) until it looks like a honey badger got to it.
Pill bottles are also problematic, unless you’re a mason who regularly spins concrete blocks on one finger like a basketball. Yes, they’re childproof, and that’s good, but they’re also woman-with-delicate-fingers-proof. I often wind up using my teeth to open them. Pretty soon I’m going to need a new prescription (and possibly new teeth) to quell the angst I feel getting into my prescription bottles.
Also, I’d like to take a moment to discuss moisturizer bottles with pumps. Just how much time should a person invest in trying to get the pump part up and turned in the right direction so the moisturizer actually comes out? I hate to be a quitter, but there are only so many hours in a day. Additionally, why do the pumps stop working when there is half a bottle of moisturizer left? I think they’re rigged. I think the shareholders of the moisturizer company hope we’ll get sick of trying to retrieve the rest of the moisturizer and simply buy a new bottle. I wonder how many half-empty bottles of moisturizer are sitting in landfills wondering why they were tossed aside when they have so much more to give.
Now, regarding opening jars of food, I don’t want to brag, but I’ve become a master strategist around this chore — I ask my husband to do it. If he isn’t home, I take a monster-size spoon, pound the lid, swear a few times, and then twist the top with all my might. If that doesn’t work, I throw it across the room. I used to wonder why my mom had those rubber jar openers. I now own two, and keep a pair of pliers, a wrench, a blowtorch, and a bottle of whiskey nearby at all times.
Amen to that. I have arthritis in my hands and it is beyond painful.
I try the rubber first then digress to murder anyway I can manage.
somehow swearing does help 😤
Here what works for me: first tap the edges of the top of the jar a few times on the countertop. Then I take two wide rubber bands. Put one around the jar and one around the top of the jar — your hands won’t slip and it usually works.
Also if you ask the pharmacy they can put your pills in an easier to open pill jar (not childproof) so long as there are no children in your household.
My mother always swore by running a glass jar lid under hot water.
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