Oak Bluffs resident Chris Alley recently looked at the Vineyard on Google Earth and noticed something odd. “The Vineyard and Nantucket seemed closer together than they should be,” said Mr. Alley, a civil engineer, in a recent phone interview. “The distance between the two islands is about 12 miles. Well, it’s supposed to be, but they looked to me like they like they were closing in on each other. And it seems like Nantucket is also rotating. I think it’s moving toward us.”
Mr. Alley called the United States Geological Survey (USGS) with his observation, and spoke with Dr. Hoo D. Wink, who confirmed that due to “continental drift,” Nantucket is in fact migrating in a northwesterly direction. “We believe it’s on a collision course with Chappaquiddick,” said Dr. Wink. Depending on storm and tidal conditions, over the next hundred years Nantucket could attach itself to the Vineyard “like a benign tumor.”
The implications of a Nantucket–Martha’s Vineyard merger are enormous, and could upset an entire region’s ecosystem, from football rivalries to fashion, shingles to siding, and Nantucket reds to Vineyard pinkos. The publishers of The MV Times, already experienced with a large-format black-and-white competitor, will start laying plans to fend off the invasion of the Nantucket Inquirer & Mirror newspaper immediately.
In other news, after a heated debate, Oak Bluffs selectmen recently voted to formally change the town’s name to “Oaks Bluff.” After news of this change was posted on the popular Facebook page Islanders Talk, thousands of enraged Vineyarders tried to comment at once and crashed the site.
The Times will follow up on April Fool’s Day, 2018.