Although most adults on the Island are far too busy to feel bored, there are times when boredom can still rear its ugly head. Right after the holidays comes to mind. Sitting in the waiting room at the blood lab without a phone, book, or snacks is like watching paint dry, and long car rides can turn torturous once you’ve reached podcast exhaustion.
Children learn very quickly not to share the fact that they’re bored out loud. “Oh, you’re bored?” one of their parents might quip. “I’ll give you something to do.” And the next thing little Henry knows, he’s sorting socks, helping Grandma clean out the refrigerator, or handing tools to his dad while he builds a shed and shares each step of the process along the way. “No! Not the screwdriver — the wrench. Now, where was I?”
Adults sometimes forget the lessons they learned as children, and innocently announce their boredom to their partner. “Oh, you’re bored?” their beloved says. “I’ll give you something to do.” And suddenly they’re on a ladder cleaning out gutters, painstakingly putting all their and their partner’s passwords into a password manager app, or installing a new toilet.
Bored adults are more dangerous than bored children. For one thing, adults have more freedom and therefore more opportunities to cause damage. Adults are also so accustomed to sprinting on the hamster wheel of life that when they step off and their cortisol levels drop, it feels so foreign, they panic, and start jonesing for a shot of adrenaline. Next thing you know, they’re doing doughnuts in the Stop & Shop parking lot in their minivans, scrolling through social media looking for an argument, or dragging an old sofa out of their basement and setting it on fire. I’m sure if we were to ask Island police to share a few stories about incidents linked to bored adults, we’d get an earful.
So what’s an adult to do when boredom strikes? Well, as a kid who spent many days in school detention, and an adult who has been called out in meetings for being disruptive, I’ve come up with a few strategies that have saved me from inadvertently destroying a building or losing my job.
First and foremost, keep your apathy to yourself. If this means you have to shove a handful of gummy worms, or a sock, into your mouth to keep from sighing, moaning, or complaining, do it. Next, immediately take some kind of action, like calling a friend, taking a walk, or starting a Bored Adults support group. If none of these activities sounds appealing, I’ve found that in a pinch, making up random song titles has saved me from mouthing off, missing enormous chunks of conversations, and repeatedly banging my head on the dashboard while driving the eight hours to visit family.
No worries if you aren’t musical. You’re not going for Joni Mitchell–level songwriting skills, you’re simply trying to stay awake. Here are some examples of song titles I came up with around the five-hour mark on my last road trip: “Why Does My Dog Smell When I Just Gave Her a Bath?,” “Slow Your Roll or You’ll Drill Your Finger,” and “Saggy Underwear Suck.”
If you feel like song titles alone don’t quite cut it, challenge yourself by writing lyrics to accompany your titles. For example, “Did you roll in something dead? Is there poop on your head? Ew … get off the bed.” Chorus: “Why does my dog smell when I just gave her a bath?” and so on.
Here are some song title suggestions to get you started: “Dirty Turnips on My Counter”; “Another Trip to the Bathroom”; and “Toenails Grow Super-Fast.”
You get the picture. Give it a try. It’s better than building a raft out of driftwood and realizing you didn’t bring paddles, peering in your neighbor’s window to assess their kitchen cabinets, or slamming your minivan into a garbage truck in the Stop & Shop parking lot, getting arrested, and having your name published in The MV Times court report.