Stocks on the rise

Proposed design of new device to punish litterers. — Austen Redman via Wikimedia Commons

Trash: we’re mad as hell and we’re not going to take it anymore.

In an act of unprecedented Island cooperation, the selectmen of all six towns agreed on something. Starting June 1, anyone caught littering, either in the act or by detectives in a newly formed Island Trash Task Force (ITTF), will be put in stocks on the public common of that town.

“We’re tired of people littering here. It’s out of control and we’re not going to put up with it anymore,” said Chilmark selectman Ichabod Mayhew. “Reviving the quaint New England tradition will have numerous benefits. People will finally get the message that you can’t litter here, and the towns can make extra cash,” he said. “People can mock the litterer for free, but for $5, they get a rotting, locally grown, organic vegetable to throw at them. It’s win-win.”

(April Fools.)