The holidays are usually a time of merriment while surrounded by loved ones. However, for some people, the season is a difficult period that reminds them of their familial struggles and their roads to recovery.
Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families (ACA) Martha’s Vineyard is a chapter of a global, largely volunteer-led 12-step program; it helps Islanders who aim to move past their familial trauma, similar to Alcoholics Anonymous for recovering alcoholics. The fellowship helps those who identify as “adult children” — an adult who responds to certain situations like they’re still a child, such as being overly complicit or compliant in the face of authority or conflict — to find ways to spiritually and mentally care for themselves in ways their parents could not teach them. The fellowship was originally founded by Tony A. in the 1970s.
Many who are a part of ACA do not wish to expose their identities because they are in vulnerable positions and have family issues, so only the first names of those quoted are used in this story.
ACA Martha’s Vineyard started when Bob, the group secretary, saw that a similar program did not already exist on the Island. A Boston resident, Bob was already attending the ACA Zoom meetings for the Cambridge group, and helped to bring the fellowship to Islanders who wanted to participate. “I’ve never been to Martha’s Vineyard, but I plan to,” Bob said.
Bob said “14 Traits of an Adult Child” is one of the first pieces of reading material ACA group participants read. In the Martha’s Vineyard group, a prose version of the list called “The Problem” is read weekly. Bob said this allows people to identify the traits they recognize and be more aware of themselves and the group. Another weekly reading is from “The Solution,” which talks about repair and how to escape dysfunctions. Tony A.’s 12 steps are also read to help participants in their learning.
Bob said there are a couple of aspects differentiating ACA from other types of 12-step programs. While other programs exclusively focus on the 12 steps, ACA implements “reparenting,” which means to become one’s “own loving parent,” in tandem with the steps, depending on each member’s level of readiness. Additionally, ACA has a spiritual — but not religious — set of conduct guidelines for groups called the 12 traditions.
“How a lot of people look at it is that the 12 steps are for the individual’s recovery, and the 12 traditions are for the group health,” Bob said. The fifth tradition, “each group has but one primary purpose — to carry its message to the adult child who still suffers,” was the impetus for Bob to bring the Cambridge group to Martha’s Vineyard.
“It’s an anonymous group, but it shouldn’t be a secret. Others should be able to find us if they are in need of support,” Bob said, which led to the group reaching out to local entities such as the Martha’s Vineyard Hospital, the newspaper, and Island clergy.
Members of ACA Martha’s Vineyard all have their own story of how they joined the group.
Although Bob is currently with the Cambridge and Martha’s Vineyard groups, his first encounter with ACA was in New Jersey. In 2015, Bob’s house was foreclosed, and his wife of 26 years left with their children for Maine. He was not invited, and she filed for divorce without his knowing. He ended up at a civilian homeless shelter, and eventually reached out to a local pastor for guidance, who recommended Bob go to the ACA group that gathered at the church.
“It’s helped quite a bit. I wasn’t quite cognizant of it before ACA, but what happened in my life wasn’t really abuse as a child, but neglect. I didn’t get the support and training and mentorship from parents,” Bob said. “It was like a light bulb turning on: ‘Ah, that’s what happened’ … becoming an adult child is like a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.”
Susan first came into contact with ACA in Connecticut. “I attended meetings for a couple of years in the early 1980s. It was the first 12-step program that I attended, and I, like many of us, came from a very dysfunctional family background. In my case it wasn’t alcoholism, it was mental illness,” said Susan, whose father had bipolar disorder and mother had depression. She participated in other 12-step programs, but came back to ACA about a year ago.
“My perspective is that almost all of the 12-step programs are based on the disease model of addiction. ACA is based more on the trauma model. So it does a deeper dive into people’s trauma background, and how to deal effectively with trauma, which is to be very gentle and to go very slowly. The focus of ACA is to re-parent ourselves in the places we were damaged or traumatized,” Susan said. She also said the program does not blame the parents. Rather, it recognizes that they were also victims of dysfunctional family structures, and were trying their best with what they knew.
Michael was in an inpatient behavioral addiction program when he encountered ACA in 2018.
“Upon returning home from the recovery center, I eventually found local ACA meetings, and continued to work through emotional challenges with which I have struggled since my earliest years,” Michael said. “At ACA Martha’s Vineyard, I am accepted for who I am, imperfections and all. And I get to return the kindness by accepting others, no matter their history. ACA Martha’s Vineyard makes me feel like I belong.”
Tom comes from a family of 10 children, over half of whom are recovering from addiction. He currently lives in New Jersey, but Zoom allowed him to become a member of ACA Martha’s Vineyard.
“I sought help from ACA after being clean of substances for many years in Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous, because of the realization that I still struggled with day-to-day life as a result of my childhood trauma associated with family dysfunction, as well as PTSD associated with physical trauma and surgeries,” Tom said. “I have been to a good number of other ACA meetings, but the M.V. meeting has a particularly safe, friendly, caring, and helpful feel to it. It is a place where I can share sensitive childhood and current experiences — including the recent loss of a beloved nephew [from opioid addiction] — with people who care, and who listen and accept me for exactly where I am at any given point in my life. I consider it a rare and invaluable gift in my life, and have exposed others in my life to it, and they’ve had similar positive experiences.”
Being a part of ACA Martha’s Vineyard allowed members to develop a community for themselves. “It’s very much an internal journey, but we need to be with other people who are on that same journey to show us kind of how to do it,” Susan said.
To find out more about ACA, visit adultchildren.org. For those interested in being a part of ACA Martha’s Vineyard, contact Bob at acamarthasvineyard@gmail.com.
