Sometimes astrology can give us fresh answers for why everything is running amok. It’s def amok, right? And so we’d like to know what the heck is happening. And here’s the Big Data from our Big Zodiac: Remember Pluto, that far-out planet at the tail end of our solar system that astronomers decided to ditch from the roll call?
But Pluto’s cool! Pluto is the planet of transformation and rebirth, something we need, stat! (Think of that old-time cartoon of the parched guy crawling through the desert in search of an oasis. An oasis with Aquafina bottles in the fridge.) And here’s the zodiac down-low: Pluto has entered Aquarius, a sign often hailed as our ‘heavenly body of enlightenment.’ Which means we’ll all be waking up! Whew! It’s about time, huh? And here’s a cherry on the big blob of whipped cream: Pluto will be riding the backside of this woke Aquarius for the next 20 years.
But this gives me pause: It takes Pluto, that little goofball out there in the dark, a century and a half to circle the sun. Can you believe this lazy baby? And when was the last time Pluto was jammed with Aquarius? Dig it, as Lenny Bruce used to say: During the French Revolution. Ick! That was a terrible time! But let’s figure out how this colors our own quagmires in the coming season of amokness (where, you’ll notice, a lot of love and bucks are pouring into our individual signs):
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Bro, you’re in good shape! Venus is sending you a cuddlebug to smooch with, and also business connections that will keep you equally happy (not erotically) at work. And don’t be a sleaze about love and work; you know how to class up both acts, don’t you? The clueless king of France 235-something years ago could have used you as his Dick Cheney.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Pay attention to everyone who’s just walked in the door. Whatever door. Some of them will be in the position to help with your career, and a special cutie is ready for romantic bebop. Don’t let anyone sneak by, even the guy at the ancient horse stable with directions to the Place de la Bastille.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Yeah, even on the news they’re telling us how the whole world is seconds away from shredding apart like an overboiled cabbage. Breathe deep and wait with patience for everything to calm down. And here’s soothing news: Recent moon vibes are opening up career success for you. So ignore talk about revolution.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): This is a bang-up time for business success. Keep learning and stay on top of everything so you can crush it professionally. Love is also coming down the pike. See? Who cares about a guillotine in the public square?
Virgo (August 23 – Sept. 22): Yeah, we know you prim and upright Virgos want to control everything ’cause, well, you’re so good at that. But in your current romantic relationship, cool it with the power struggle. Think of Marie Antoinette as her neck was positioned under the blade: If she’d practiced letting Louis think he ran the show, she might have been able to slip out the back, Jack — at Versailles. (There were a whole bunch of rear exits.)
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): There’s a drumroll in your stars for something great to happen. You’re pretty adept at staying positive, so get ready for a big money influx, especially if you keep your brain around avoiding past mistakes. If Louis XVI had done this, he too could have slipped out the back Versailles door with Marie (all 1,001 doors).
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): You’re used to being called a sexy devil, so it won’t surprise you that Venus is shoving a splashy romance in your face. And other planets have got your back when it comes to your career. In the days of the French Revolution, Casanova would have asked to be your wingman.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): It’s up to you to either attract a new cutie-pie or, if you’re in a committed relationship that’s gone blah, get back to letting love shine on date night. Just remember all the couples running around Versailles who used to coochy-coo under an empty staircase: They had to pick the proper one, since so many aristocrats used them as latrines.
Capricorn (Dec. 21 – Jan. 19): Move the Evolve dial up to Revolution, and expect big upgrades for all of it — love, career, and home life. Thank goodness you’re the most organized bozo of the zodiac. You got this the way Descartes and Jean-Jacques Rousseau reared the Revolution with slick new philosophy.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Try not to think about Pluto in your sign for 20 frickin’ years! And def do no reading about Robespierre, bad guy and big bully during the France of the 1790s. On the plus side for nowadays, your home decor could use a swab-and-spiff, after which you’ll have your mind clear to get noticed at work.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): Listen up, you wiggle-waggling fish: Take it slow with love and work, and you’ll get the babe — or boy — and your finances will bring extra lucre. And, changing course from our above advice to Aquarius, you could use a drop of Robespierre: Just a little bit behind the ears.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): We on the Astrology Desk hate to see Mars moving into your already hopped-up sign, but this will help with that big business deal. Play your cards right, and you could emerge as the Georges Danton of the French Revolution (dude who launched the September Massacres).
Signing off with the old battle cry: “Liberté, egalité, fraternité” and as Charles Dickens added in “Tale of Two Cities,” “ou la mort!”
