You know him from his 15 years of answering questions in the MV Times. Your beloved pet can’t stop fouling your living room rug, purchased in Turkey on your honeymoon? And because this puppy was your idea … would Tom Shelby advise on your marriage as well as provide sterling tips on getting your renegade pup to leave the pricy carpet and only “go” outdoors? As Tom Shelby himself, the Dogcharmer columnist of the MV Times, often assures his myriad customers, “Absolutely!”
This new, funny book with a bespectacled dog on the cover reveals in small letters, “Great Stories, Not a Training Manual,” and yet, as Shelby discourses in chapter after chapter about his nutty clients and still nuttier dogs, you’ll pick up lots of hints in the how-tos of training from this zany guide.
In Chapter 1 we’re introduced to one of Shelby’s clients whom he refers to as RAF — Rich and Famous, in this case hilarious actor Eddie Murphy — who resides in the lush countryside of North Jersey. Shelby’s attention to detail lets us view his appointments as a movie: “The several-acre property was surrounded by a brick wall. Once through the gate, a long driveway wound through a lawn that must have been manicured by hand with a pair of scissors, getting every blade of grass pointed just right.” To the dog-trainer’s shock, it’s the gorgeous wife who answers the door, and takes over the entire session. She tells him that Peaches and Herb are in the sunroom, and to follow her.
There is more lush detail as they ramble through the kitchen, where a chef is ready to prepare a seven-course meal, if requested. Instead, Shelby asks for a drink and Mrs. Murphy points to four refrigerators (four!), describing their contents: Snapple teas in this one, sodas in the next, then bottled water, and finally, a “real fridge with wine and assorted foods.” Shelby chooses water, then onward to meet the pups.
They’re 1-year-old Maltese siblings, “cute as hell.” And the problem is? What else, “occasional” accidents indoors, “occasional” meaning “all the time.”
Mrs. Murphy asks, “Is it too late?” and the ever-ready dog-trainer responds, “Absolutely not!”
He relates the story of a woman he’s just helped with a 9-year-old Maltese and a new condo, who had a previously 100 percent housebroken pet who peed everywhere. After a long account, Mrs. Murphy asks breathlessly, “What happened?”
“She strangled the dog after it destroyed the new carpet in a week and a half.”
We know already from his comedian’s style that he’s kidding, and pretty soon she laughs and he laughs. And this is a perfect time for the movie star himself to trek downstairs in white shorts, and a towel to wipe his face. Meanwhile Shelby has already taken Peaches and Herb through their paces, including the dos and don’ts around housebreaking, getting them to come with an automatic sit and lie down without the trainer having to say anything, “just using hand signals.”
By the time Eddie Murphy is summoned to observe, “The lesson ended with him telling me I reminded him of the trainer on the movie set of ‘Dr. Doolittle.’”
The fun of Shelby’s book is in his many stories like this one. Chapter 1 alone shows us his persistent taking charge of lessons, such as the time when another RAF says, “I decided we will have the lesson here because …“ by which time our trainer has already grabbed the leash and changed the venue to the living room, where the carpet will remove the fear factor.
Another time a new client antagonizes him when he snaps, “Don’t address me by my first name, it’s Mr. P to you!” at which point Shelby heads for the door. When he tells the vet who referred him to Mr. P., she says, “I was wondering whether you’d take his crap,” and “He has an ego the size of Brooklyn.” She was waiting for a chance to drop him from her roster, and thanks the dog trainer for doing it for her.
More fun flashbacks are thrown into the mix, like the time he trained the Swiss ambassador’s dogs, and revealed how the elevators in posh Manhattan buildings are equipped with recorders. They discuss his helper coming back after-hours, and having to take the primary elevator. When they land on the ground floor, the doorman launches himself across the posh lobby to tell the ambassador that after 11 pm, only residents of the building can use the main lift.
Shelby finishes the wholly entertaining first chapter with a story about barking dogs, and how he solved the problem by leaving the dog’s owner with a barking meter to “see what’s really going on.” Shelby concludes, “I’ve testified in court, at arbitrations and co-op board meetings, almost always on the side of the dog.”
And now that this book reviewer has “spoiler alerted” you to all the details of Chapter 1, I can only urge you to pick up a copy of “Dog Training: It Ain’t an Accountant’s Job,” and read every last thoroughly entertaining tale. You’ll be treated to photos of his darling family of five, all the dogs he and his wife Jaye, a speech pathologist, have owned, how his now-grown son Brett is taking the reins — or should we say “leash”? — of his business, and their many enjoyable years on Martha’s Vineyard, with a new chapter in Cooperstown, N.Y. (yeah, home of the baseball museum).
“Dog Training: It Ain’t An Accountant’s Job,” by Tom Shelby, is available to purchase on Amazon, Book Bay, and at Edgartown Books and Bunch of Grapes Bookstore.
