Grief is universal, whether the result of losing a person or beloved animal companion, or the aftermath of any trauma. I was particularly interested in Sharing Kindness’ “Grief 101” presentation at the West Tisbury library on March 25.
A great deal I heard struck home from my own experience, and from that of others. Director of clinical services Kathleen Shine-O’Brien shared how, even though grief is a natural response to loss, many bereaved people feel misunderstood and abandoned, due to a lack of education about their needs when they are grieving.
Shine-O’Brien’s slide featuring the tangled “Ball of Grief” was a perfect metaphor for the complexity of this emotion. It resembled a ball of yarn, with each strand representing a different feeling: depression, rage, panic, anguish, denial, dismay, yearning, and sadness, to name just a few. The image clearly conveyed how grief is nonlinear, demanding, disorienting, and confusing. “We believe it’s learning how to live with, not move away from, grief,” she said.
Still deeply grieving a loss I experienced last year, I related when Shine-O’Brien said grief is nonfinite, but that our relationship with it will change over time. She referred to Lois Tonkin’s grief theory, which states that grief doesn’t shrink, but that we grow around it as time passes.
Shine-O’Brien also highlighted how grief is disruptive, complex, and contextual. About the latter, she explained what I’ve found to be quite true: “The relationship we had with the person who died while they were living impacts the relationship we have with them in death. It can be multilayered.”
We examined an often overlooked element of grief, which Shine-O’Brien calls “secondary losses” when a person dies. These can include loss of identity, confidence, faith, a support system, and dreams of the future. “When you lose your identity as part of a couple, sometimes you lose your friends,” she explained. “People like to invite couples. Now, suddenly, you are the only single person, and those invitations stop coming. Or your financial security might be in jeopardy, and you might have to sell the house. I also think the loss of faith is one of those tricky ones,” she added. “If you ask that age-old question that has no answer — Why did God allow it? — you are now going to step away from your faith. It’s like losing your best friend all over again. These secondary losses are crucial. Once people understand that they are normal experiences, they feel a great sense of relief, like, ‘I’m not going crazy.’”
When my father died, it infuriated me when people, with all good intentions, would tell me that it would pass. I knew they were uncomfortable with my pain, but their response felt like a burden, leaving me feeling unheard. Shine-O’Brien covered some of Dr. Alan Wolfelt’s tenets for championing the bereaved. It is about being present to another person’s pain; it is not about taking it away. Championing is about going to the wilderness of the soul with another human being. It is not about thinking you are responsible for finding a way out. Because grief can be messy, I particularly liked that companioning includes respecting disorder and confusion, rather than trying to impose order and logic. “We are not taking the lead,” Shine-O’Brien says. “We are walking shoulder to shoulder. We realize they are experts on their grief; we are not. Caring for grieving people is very intimate. We get to see people at their most vulnerable selves.” She continues, “Grief isn’t neat and tidy. It happens to all of us, but it isn’t the same for everyone. We grieve very differently. Loss is pervasive, and we need to give people the space to do it in their own way.”
Obviously, grief is emotional, but it can also affect our bodies, including our immune system, digestion, heart health, and concentration. So turning to Robert Neimeyer’s “three R’s of grief processing” felt important. Two include retelling our story, which is searching for ways to share what happened and the loss of the life we once had, until our reaction to the story changes to include our loss and extends beyond it. Another is reinventing ourselves and our lives (because we are never the same again after a loss), and learning to simultaneously embrace the paradoxical opportunity that includes sadness and hope.
Shine-O’Brien covered some self-care ideas: identifying places where we feel calm or at peace, joining a support group, attending grief counseling, and being with our “safe” people — those who want to support us. “My No. 1 task for everyone, though,” she says, “is to create a daily non-negotiable. That may be, ‘Today I will get out of bed, or take a shower.’”
Grief involves our mind, body, spirit, and heart. Sharing Kindness provides grief support on the Cape and Islands. Its website features immensely useful resources as part of a mission to offer hope and connection to those navigating life after loss, or wishing to support others during this process. It has also donated knapsacks filled with children’s books about grief to the West Tisbury and Oak Bluffs libraries. Clearly, through the efforts of Sharing Kindness, no one needs to face this life experience alone.
Resources can be found at sharingkindness.org/grief-support-resources. For more about Sharing Kindness’s “Grief 101,” visit sharingkindness.org/grief-101.
