May is National Inventors Month, celebrating the contributions of inventors, and encouraging creativity and innovation.
New products often come to fruition based on a specific need. Take the three-position traffic signal, for example, invented by Garrett Morgan in 1923, improving road safety by adding a caution light. In 1902, Mary Anderson invented windshield wipers because her streetcar driver had to keep getting out and clearing snow off the windshield.
On the Island, we’ve had several brilliant inventors over the years. In 1904, Edgartown inventor Elmer Bliss was issued a patent for a life-size battery-powered automation device designed to advertise tobacco products. Like Groucho Marx, the device smoked real stogies, drawing in and releasing smoke. It even had lifelike cheeks, which is a tad creepy, but cool.
And let’s not forget retired Pratt & Whitney nuclear engineer and Island inventor Joel Aronie, who, along with his brother Alan Aronie, has invented many popular products. One successful Aronie invention is the Ball-O-Tissue, which sold around 400,000 units. The Ball-O-Tissue is a molded ball about 5.5 inches in diameter, with an opening to put tissues in. It rolls, which makes it handy for groups of people who may cry a lot, like those in the Not Terribly Good Club, who are, well, not particularly good at anything. Participants can take a tissue, wipe their tears, and from the comfort of their own chair, roll the Ball-O-Tissue to the person snort-crying across from them.
Though I’ve never invented anything tangible, I’ve no shortage of ideas. Not long ago, someone left a ripe-smelling gift on my front lawn. Given the size of the excrement, I wasn’t sure if it had been dropped by a dog or a Clydesdale. I nearly pulled a hammy bagging it and carrying it to the trashcan. While I was daydreaming about throwing it at the dog’s human, I had an unexpected idea for a new product, the “Canine Gladiator.”
The beauty of the Canine Gladiator is that it would stay hidden in the ground until someone tries to walk off without picking up after their best friend. Designed to recognize animal droppings, it pops out of the grass, and releases a metal hand that picks up the excrement and chucks it at the person’s head as they globetrot down the street.
As I was joyfully toying with my Canine Gladiator idea, it occurred to me that there could be an entire line of Gladiators. For example, the For the Love of God, Stop Talking Gladiator, which looks like a candle. Let’s say you are having a gathering at your house, and feel obligated to invite your neighbor, Bob the psychologist, who never stops talking. Once you see Bob corner someone at the food table, and get on a tear about something obscure, like the behavioral psychology of traffic cones, pretend you’re going to light the candle, touch the ON button, and a stream of super glue will shoot out from the wick. Try to aim for Bob’s mouth. If successful, his lips will be sealed shut for at least 24 hours, or if you’re lucky, a week.
But wait, there’s more. The Stop Doing That Gladiator makes a perfect gift. Though weighing in at a mere two pounds, it packs a solid punch, and comes with the following settings: Scream, Slap, and Poke. To re-establish kitchen rules, simply place the Stop Doing That Gladiator on the counter near the sink, set it to Slap mode, and go about your day! The minute one of your kids puts down the half-empty glass of curdled milk they found in their bedroom without rinsing it out, the Stop Doing That Gladiator releases a silicone hand (which comes in a variety of colors) that slaps them.
I was really excited about the possibility of my Gladiator series, and set about sketching them out, but as so often happens, the idea fizzled when I remembered that I am light on patience and have no knowledge of electronics. I can’t even remember how to multiply. But I do think this product has potential.
If you’re interested in collaborating, let me know. You should probably be good at stuff like statistics and enjoy reading books on mechanical engineering and weather patterns. Think of the possibilities! No, really — think of all the possible things you can invent!
If you have an idea, but need inspiration or assistance, Joel Aronie has some suggestions: “First, check with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to see if your idea already exists. Next, make a prototype and do some initial marketing. If it looks good so far, find a patent attorney, but above all, don’t give up!”
Go for it!