Let me get this uncomfortable thought out of the way: Death plays a big part in any so-called “happily married” couple making it over the 65-plus finish line. And let me just add that the 65-plus figure is fungible. I picked it out of the lineup because we’re used to seeing that number. I’m not sure what it represents. Could be anything, right? Like the age when we can start eating chocolate cake without fear of pimples popping up on our cheeks and foreheads.
Mostly business deploys that figure to decide things like when a person is eligible for reduced-price movie tickets or — more important to some of us — when we’re allowed to buy a $40 annual bus pass. C’mon! 40 simoleons (an old gangster’s term) for the whole year! That’s just 10¢ a day! (I had to figure that out on my calculator; hope it’s accurate.)
Every soul with a romantic shred in his or her psyche loves the thought of having a soulmate for life. But statistics show it probably ain’t gonna happen. That lovely old marker for a long and happy marriage is, of course, the golden anniversary. Fifty years. But according to the American Community Survey, only 7.7 percent of couples celebrate a Big Ole Golden. Two reasons for that. No. 1, of course, is that so many marriages are swept away by the broom of divorce. Yes, couples still pledge “till death do us part,” but we all recognize that there’s an easy out: Not getting along? Ring up your lawyer. Splitting up has been a common practice since forever, and we can look a long way back to see how it would’ve helped a bunch of historic couples. Anne Boleyn? She wouldn’t have needed that axe splitting her neck: She or Henry could’ve taken a legal way out. Or, earlier still, how about ancient Roman emperor Caligula, who raped his sister, settling in a more civilized way?
The other cause for a lack of 50-year anniversaries is this: Half a century of married life gives one or even both of the parties a chance to die. And speaking of chances, we know the death of a cherished spouse gives the survivor a chance to grieve forever and a day.
But let’s look at the bright side of couples who stay together and live into their silver-headed elder years: We love seeing them together, pushing a grocery cart and noodling over the, er, noodles! “Honey, do you feel like making your fabulous fried eggplant pasta?” Or, “Did you finish off the oat-toasted cereal? I’m kinda missing that dates-and-nuts mix.” Are we not happy as heck for them? And if we could wave a magic wand that all couples live as long brooding over dates and nuts, wouldn’t we want this for all of us? (Except for those who are ecstatically divorced — and that’s a whole ’nother category.)
That’s something that I’ve figured out over time, having drawn close again to the man I’ve long called “my beloved ex-husband,” Marty Nadler, whom I met as a freelance writer when he was a producer of TV comedies such as “The Odd Couple,” “Happy Days,” and “Laverne and Shirley.” We married on Martha’s Vineyard, at our then land on Seth’s Pond, officiated by a Unitarian minister who warned us and our guests about Hollywood marriages. Well, we went back to LA to fill out the parameters of the Hollywood marriage, living in a condo on the beach in Malibu, with Marty landing new shows, me getting an occasional freelance script, buying a lovely old house with a beach across the road in East Chop, giving birth 40 frickin’ years ago to an angel baby of a brilliant son, Charlie, now cocooning with his wife Cary in the Berkshires, and following in his dad’s footsteps as a professional comic.
And I’m here to say this about old, old couples reuniting in elder years: It’s great to have all those memories — golden, funny memories; to enjoy weekly phone chats, and to share huge belly laughs during trips to each other’s homes, Marty here at Woodside and me at his condo in Florida, about half-hour drive west of Fort Lauderdale.
So what’s my advice for happily divorced couples to stay lovingly in touch? Well, whoof! Try to stay married! Sure, you went through some troubling times, but keep listening and figuring out how to help that poor soul who, having once loved him or her, you can love again. Then stay healthy, so you can celebrate the Big 5-0!
But, heck, it doesn’t hurt to stay divorced. Just ask my beloved ex — whenever I propose to him (it’s a long-running joke), he snidely turns me down: “Ain’t gonna happen!” So maybe we can celebrate our Golden Happy Divorce? Hmm, I’ll let you know in 2028. Not so far away! Prepare for a fun event, maybe at the P.A. Club?
Stand by! I’ll want you all there!
